Holy Tears

"There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells." Psalm 46:4

By Saturday afternoon at the She Speaks conference, my heart was overwhelmed by God's presence and words that pierced my soul. It was all good, just more than my humanity could contain. So, I tip-toed into the prayer room, sought sanctuary, and wept. Tears of gratitude, of wonder, of cleansing from my Jehova-Mekaddishkem, (God who sanctifies), rolled down my cheeks. My shoulders heaved and my voice could not utter one audible word, only a groan; a sound so deep within that only the Holy Spirit could interpret.

God's journey for me this year has been one signified by these words: Surrender. Confidence. Small beginnings. God planted them in the soil of my heart one-by-one throughout the past seven months and they germinated in separate, neatly cultivated rows of understanding.

Surrender. At first I thought this word was given to me for my husband. I misunderstood. It was all for me. God finally whispered clearly to my heart, "Surrender your words. Surrender your striving. Surrender your book." He didn't say give up on my efforts, my dreams and plans. Rather, he called me to lay them down and partner with him in the creative process of a God-sized dream: a book that would speak healing to the wounded hearts of daughters of divorce.

Confidence. Big dreams brought fear. Fears that I wasn't good enough, equipped enough, talented enough. I wasn't enough. But he reassured me He is enough. I walked into church the Sunday after New Year's Day and was handed a slip of paper; a torn off calendar sheet with two Scripture verses on it. It's significance to the sermon fails me now but it was a profound message to me directly from God. It read, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36. Dated: July 22, 2011; the date the She Speaks writers' conference would begin.

Small beginnings. A book has been brewing in my belly for two years and this winter I surrendered it back to the Lord for his purposes and wrote hard and long to prepare it for the writer's conference. I asked Josie Muwonge, a visiting pastor, to pray over me for God's annointing as I continued to prepare. She said, "I see God's annointing all over you already. Go home and write." And when she finished praying she whispered, "Do not bemoan the small beginnings."

I walked into She Speaks this weekend very pregnant with the lessons God had taught me, locked behind a binder, written in black and white. I surrendered it to the publishers. One liked it. More work to be done. But this was not the significant moment. For the significant came in small morsels, spoken by sisters of the Word, that swelled my belly when those neatly germinated rows collided in one place; those God-reminders of surrender, confidence and small beginnings. I could not restrain myself and in moments they poured out as rivers of tears sacrificed to the Most High in a holy corner of the She Speaks prayer room.

Do you have a dream that God's placed in your heart? Are you tired of the burn in your belly to see it come true? Are you burned out from striving and planning in your own strength? I invite you to lay it down, dear reader. Take time to weep and listen for God's words as his Spirit washes over you.

"My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God." Job 16:20