What kind of love do girls desire?

What a [wo]man desires is unfailing love. Proverbs 19:22

 

Unfailing love. It's all this heart ever dreamed of since she can remember. Isn't it what every little girl's heart craves -forever love that never fails - like it's woven into her DNA? I think so.

 

And so with every ounce of who she is, she searches the eyes of every man she encounters, beginning with Daddy. "Daddy, do you love me?" she asks. "Daddy, don't you think I'm beautiful?" she whispers. "Will you love me forever?" she pleads, even when he's walking out the door. Always searching. Always asking. Always needing unfailing love.

Fill 'er Up: Learning Our Child's Love Language

If you've stopped by through Christian Children's Authors blog, welcome!

Hands Language by Dare
flickr.com_436723375_68060276f3_z_CC BY ND- 4.0

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 NIV

Recently, in my recent article called, Life Unscripted, I confessed how I'd wished my children were born with scripts. That way, I'd always know the right thing to say and do. While all the wishing in the world did not produce said script, I did, however, fall upon two fabulous resources (albeit, fifteen years after giving birth to my youngest child). These resources changed my parenting style and helped me communicate more effectively with both my children and my husband.

The Five Love Languages and The Five Love Languages of Children, both authored by Gary Chapman, were the most valuable tools for my floundering communication skills as a mother and a wife. In his books, Chapman identifies five basic love languages, stating that we all encompass one primary language. By identifying our child's (or spouse's) primary love language and communicating our love for them using that language, we build healthy relationships and "fill their love tanks."

Here's the five love languages Chapman defines:

1. Words of Affirmation: compliments or words of appreciation; criticism devastates this child.
2. Quality Time: the need for undivided attention; be totally present. Ignoring or showing no interest in them or their interests deflate this child.
3. Receiving Gifts: the joy of receiving thoughtful gifts (made or bought) brings great appreciation and joy; overdoing this can be meaningless and harmful.
4. Acts of Service: showing love by performing a task that's especially meaningful to that child (running their forgotten lunch to school, fixing his bike, helping alongside them on a school project). While we do some of these things already, to the child who has this love language, it's how they feel loved and are especially grateful for your help.
5. Physical Touch: hugging, kissing, appropriate touching is how this child feels loved. As the child gets older, we must adjust the level of touch, but a simple squeeze on the shoulder to say, "I love you" goes a long way. Without this physical touch, this child feels unloved or unlove-able.

There's two tricky things about all this: one, figuring out your child/spouse's love language and two, considering how to love effectively when your primary love language is not the same as your child's (spouse).

First, spend time observing your child/spouse. How do they show you they love you? Do they praise you for doing things for them? Do they fight for undivided attention? Do they bring you little gifts or do things for you around the house? Or, do they constantly want to hug, kiss or touch you, especially when they're upset or tired? Chapman explains, "our behavior is motivated by our emotional desires."

Secondly, loving them as they feel most loved can be a stretch, a real sacrifice, especially if they don't share your primary love language. For instance, my primary love language is Words of Affirmation, but for my husband and daughter its Physical Touch. It's not natural for me, especially during conflict, to run up to either of them and throw my arms around them. I'd rather run the opposite direction until the situation calms down and we can speak "affirming words" in a calm tone. For years, these two precious people wondered why I couldn't hug them, even after things calmed down. It must have been exasperating. It's not my love language and I had no clue how touching them could make them feel more loved. Honestly, my husband used to have to ask me to hug him.

Chapman states that "when a child's emotional needs are met," [by speaking their love language effectively] "they become responsible adults. If their emotional needs remain unmet, they may violate acceptable standards, express anger toward parents, or seek love in inappropriate places."

It wasn't easy to change how I expressed my love to my children or husband. It took a lot of humbling (taking my eyes of myself and how I feel loved) and a bit of work observing and asking questions. Of course, it's a two-way street, and they've learned how best to love me, too. But, isn't that what God's called us to do? To put the needs of others before our own? To sacrificially love one another?

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:12-13 NIV

Losing Control

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15 NIV

Recently, during a writers’ ministry retreat, a few artists taught art journaling. With blank canvasses, paint and a plastic Wal-Mart gift card before us, we squeezed three colorful blobs onto our pristine white canvasses. Hesitantly, we swirled those colors around with the Wal-Mart gift card. My beautiful blues, pinks and yellows turned murky green and I felt discouraged. Couldn’t we just clean off those gift cards and go shopping?

Since shopping wasn’t an option, I dropped a few more paint blobs on the canvass until more appealing shades appeared. Surprisingly, with a few controlled swishes, a pretty pink orchid blossomed, center canvass. I was so proud until the artists wanted us to encircle the center of our creations with black paint! I couldn’t do it. Truly, I couldn’t. Fear froze me there—eyes brimming with tears—staring at that beautiful-to-me orchid.

“Help me!” I sniffled, reaching behind me for my artist friend. She embraced me from behind and placed her hand over mine. “Give me control,” she said, “and when I say ‘squeeze’, squeeze that paint.” Feeling my hesitation, she gently circled my hand above that canvas and spoke truth. “You’re afraid of making a mistake. Now let go and squeeze when I say so.”

Yes, I was afraid of making a mistake, but I mostly feared losing control—risking what was sure, like my pretty pink orchid.

We can’t create when fear rules because fear freezes our potential and creativity. When we give God control and trust that He’s in the risk He’s set before us, our true creativity and beauty thrives. When we set aside fear and partner with the Holy Spirit then God’s Kingdom reigns here on earth as it is in heaven.

 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear... 1 John 4:18 NIV

Giving up control, black encircled the pink orchid, hiding its blooming beauty. With a bit more coaching and the addition of some contrasting colors and gift-card technique, a crown of thorns appeared. A most precious reminder, that Jesus is there in the midst of fear, creativity, and risks.

Are there risks that God’s set before you? Is fear squelching your creativity and freezing your feet in place? Trust God’s plan. Know that no matter the risk, Jesus is right there beside you, ready to help you create something beautiful.

Abba, it’s so easy to want to control our circumstances, to believe in what we can see as the best we have to offer. Help us to step out in faith, to take risks so that you might show us the potential and beauty that lies before us when we allow you to control the outcome. Father, may we truly desire that your Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.

Unfailing Love

"What a man desires is unfailing love." Proverbs 19:22

Unfailing love. It's all this heart ever dreamed of since she can remember. Isn't it what every little girl's heart craves -forever love that never fails - like it's woven into her DNA? I think so.

And so with every ounce of who she is, she searches the eyes of every man she encounters, beginning with Daddy. "Daddy, do you love me?" she asks. "Daddy, don't you think I'm beautiful?" she whispers. "Will you love me forever?" she pleads, even when he's walking out the door. Always searching. Always asking. Always needing unfailing love.

Beneath the bridal veil and lace her eyes rest upon her groom. They promise love, forever-unfailing love. And from that day forward her little girl eyes keep searching his. "Honey, do you love me?" she asks.  

(Click here for the rest of the story.)

When Love Gets Lonely

"It is not good for man to be alone." Genesis 2:18a

I spent last week alone. Normally, I'm okay with that. Solitude suits me and my writing and I don't mind keeping company with my own thoughts. The first few days when Pete's was gone, it's kind of like a vacation - everything takes on a nice leisurely pace - sleeping late, staying up late, eating whenever, watching chic flicks until I can't stand them anymore. But this time, that vacation feeling wore off early.

I felt lonely by mid week, especially at night when silence crept through the dark house. Maybe it was the length of Pete's trip or maybe it was the time of year. In winter there's little for me  to do outside and this year there wasn't even one snowflake to shovel. Inside wasn't much better. After one day of heavy cleaning, I was pretty much done for the week because there wasn't anyone around to mess it up again. The laundry basket took an entire week to fill. And cooking? Cooking is a drag to me anyway, but at least if I have someone to cook for it gives me an excuse to be creative. Cooking for one? Boring! My most creative meal all week was tacos.

All this got me thinking about living alone. I can see how someone could go nuts with no one to share life. It's not that someone else could or should make us feel more complete than God, but even God said it wasn't good for man to be alone.

"The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18

God knew our need for companionship and our need to share life with someone who compliments us and God knew our capacity for love because we were made in His image - comprised of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit - not even God lives alone.
 
As I write this, it's Saturday night, 8:42 PM. Pete's texting me. He's lonely, too. We're both counting the hours before his return, Sunday night. Sweet dreams, my love. God speed and grant you a safe journey home. I'll be waiting.

How Love Endures

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

In the mist of morning stillness I reach over and gently clasp his warm hand under the sheets; the same hand that's held mine for over a quarter century. I lay there, eyes shut, amazed he still loves me.

Memories dance from courtship to early years of marriage, children and hard learning. 

Oh, those hard-learning years when I doubted the most - but learned the most - that love endures. So many desperate days asking, "Is everything going to be okay - are we okay?" And always he reassured, "Yes. Yes, everything is okay. And, yes, yes, one thousand times, yes - we are okay." You see, growing up in a divorced home made me a bit neurotic so with every difficult day, every fight, every financial crisis I needed reassurance that he still loved me and was dedicated to our marriage.

His promise stands the test of time, but it's more than promises that keeps us together (although honoring our vows is important). The secret is loving God first and most and then loving each other. Because when we love God first, we love one another from a full heart. God fills all the emptiness before we face the other so that when we give, we give from the fullness of who God is, not from the emptiness of ourselves.

And when we mess up, forget to put God first, we've learned forgiveness. It's the hardest lesson because pride swallows hard. But when we look through God's eyes pride melts and goes down smooth. Then forgiveness comes easy - from loving hearts - because God's love never fails. And when we love from the fullness of a God who never fails, who always forgives, our love endures.

Sunshine wakens me fully and husband's hand squeezes easy. A new day begins and I know "Every new day he does not fail" (Zephaniah 3:5). God's. Love. Never. Fails.